Incidental and Intentional Relationships

I am fascinated by relationships. Fascinated by people and their relationships with their people.

I think that there are two types of relationships: Incidental and Intentional.

Incidental relationships are those that come free with your life! They are born out of necessity and obligation. They are necessary. A coworker you ‘have to’ work with, a flatmate you have to ‘live with’ or a family member that you ‘have to’ tolerate. These relationships can have a huge impact on your energy if they are not managed with some awareness.

Intentional relationships are those that you have committed to. Relationships that are purposeful and deliberate. This might be a life partner that you married or committed to energetically. It might be a business partner that you legally joined forces with. It might be a friend who you have promised to ‘be there for’. It might be a partner that you have committed to or a relative that you have committed to supporting.

Intentional relationships take time. They take energy and at their best, they add huge value to your life. Getting out of intentional relationships is tricky. It requires an honest and often difficult conversation about why the relationship no longer fits your needs.

Taking a relationship from incidental to intentional requires some effort. There needs to be some action to move them into a more important space in your life. You can do this by asking them to be part of something special to you. To join you at a hobby or event. To take them away from your place that is incidental like work or home and include them in something more.

I once worked with a wonderful and interesting human. I loved his energy and his chat. One day, I took the plunge and asked him if he wanted to have lunch. We left our place of work and intentionally ate together. At the end of lunch, he said, "Does this mean we are friends?" "Yes," I said - I think it does! For the past 15 years, we have had the most wonderful friendship. I picked him and popped him into my life!

While I have always had intentional relationships with my children, I have found when they leave home more effort is required. You no longer bump into each other in the kitchen, you no longer have random conversations while doing life at the same address. You need to think, call, visit and consider what is happening in their world. You need to become someone that they want to have a relationship with!

Taking time to think about the important people in your world takes effort. Think about the people in your world. How many are intentional and how many are incidental?

Relationships born out of obligation are tedious!

Who are the people you want in your life? 
Who are the people who make your life better?
Who are the people who you ‘could do without’?

 Take some time to consider all of the relationships in your life and where they are at.