Being Constantly Disappointed
I have spent my life constantly disappointed!
High standards combined with a large serving of perfectionism set me up for being frequently let down by my own standards!
Expectations can be emotionally exhausting and energetically expensive. Surfing the heights of high expectations and the lows of disappointment on a regular basis can cause huge energy fluctuations.
Recently I have come to the conclusion that my expectations need recalibrating.
I was taught the well-known equation that “Happiness equals reality minus expectation.”
“Any time that things work out better than your expectations,
it feels like a win, and you are “happy.” But any time you are faced with a gap between your expectations and your reality, it feels like a loss, and you are disappointed.”Tom Magliozzi
Many of us walk around with a backpack of expectations. We expect to be included in our friends plans, to be told family secrets, that life will improve, that if we work hard we will get rewards and that people we trust will be trustworthy!
These expectations are exhausting. They drain our emotional energy fast! We measure ourselves against impossible standards and wonder why we feel depleted.
So many people are doing brilliantly in life - but are mentally and emotionally burnt out from the pressure they place on themselves. The gap between where they are and where they think they 'should' be creates enormous emotional strain.
High expectations often come disguised as ambition or perfectionism. We tell ourselves we're just striving for excellence but there's a critical difference between healthy ambition and crippling expectations. One energizes, the other depletes.
Where do these expectations come from? Some are handed down from our families - expectations of academic achievement, career success, or how to be the 'perfect' daughter, son, or parent. Others come from society and social media, constantly showing us carefully curated versions of success. And many, perhaps the most damaging, are ones we create for ourselves.
The emotional toll shows up in various ways:
Anxiety and constant worry about meeting standards
Feelings of inadequacy and not being "enough"
Perfectionism that prevents action
Diminished joy in achievements
Shame when we fail or ‘fall short’
I've learned that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. When we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others, we're setting the stage for disappointment and emotional drain.
I still believe in high standards but I have softened them with gentle expectations. This means aiming high while being kind to yourself along the way. It means recognising that 'good enough' really is good enough most of the time. It means celebrating progress rather than obsessing over perfection.
Try this exercise: Write down your expectations for yourself in various areas of life. Then ask: "Who would I be without these expectations?" and "Are these truly mine, or have I absorbed them from somewhere else?" Be brutally honest.
The most liberating thing I've learned is that I get to decide what success looks like for me. Not my parents, not society, not social media - me. And so do you.
You get to decide what race you want to win and your game plan for that.
Your emotional energy is precious. Don't waste it on expectations that don't serve you. Instead, channel it into what truly matters - living your life, not the one you think you should have.
My recipe for lowering my expectations is:
Acknowledge - where are your expectations unhelpfully high?
Decide - what's a new plan or lower standard that you can make your new normal?
Notice - recognise and acknowledge small wins and changes.
Talk - share your experiences and old/new expectations with others.
What expectations or standards do you have that aren't serving you?