Marital Duty
I ran a workshop a couple of weeks ago and spent lunchtime chatting with some beautiful women. Clever, exhausted women. Women who do a lot. We were talking about energy and where we needed more of it in our lives.
One of the women bravely remarked that she would like more energy to ‘put out for my husband’. The official definition of the phrase ‘put out means to ‘lay something out ready for use! The US slang means to agree to have sex. I laughed at this woman's honesty but on a deeper chat she told me that she was actually feeling guilty for not being ‘a good enough wife’. I prodded a bit more about what her husband did to be a good husband. He’s amazing, she said. He mows the lawns and cleans the car and does any jobs that I ask him!
The problem I have with this is the transactional energy in many relationships. If you do this then I’ll do that. I pointed out that the lawns and car washing were part of his home and car ownership responsibilities… not sure they were part of being a good husband!
The expectations of being a good wife desperately need an update. The world is full of ‘modern women who have bought into a very outdated relationship model. A model that was created before it was even a known fact that women could experience sexual pleasure and or that they knew that they had the right to say when sex wasn’t something they were interested in.
I have spent a lot of time studying the impact of obligation and the amount of obligation in many relationships is shocking! Unhappy people making each other unhappier!
Being honest with yourself and your significant other about the areas of obligation that make you feel heavy is very important. Obligation is one of the most exhausting energies that weighs so many of us down.
It’s the classic story of many exhausted women. Not putting themselves first and taking responsibility for their husband's pleasure over their own. It also reeks of “marital duties”. In the past, it was ‘a woman’s duty’ to meet her husband's needs sexually.
Duty is a shitty concept that will weigh you down. It’s all about responsibility and obligation. The trading of chores and expectations in a transactional relationship is no way to live your life. There is an old generalisation that many men need sex to feel connected and many women need to feel connected to have sex. Marriage in 2024 is not a reward/prostitution model where you can expect a shag because you vacuumed the car!!!
Communication is the answer. Deciding what you want, what you need and resetting the rules! Relationships are energy exchanges after all!